The most worksafe image I could find.
Ever use any of those sites where you can read doujinshi online? They’re magnificent. Around 2005, the first attempts at making those would house only several tens of titles, but now? They’re giant – it’s like they contain most of all drawn porn ever created. Apart from what you’d expect to find there, you can hunt down some surprising treasures at Sadpanda and its cousins. Like novels – novelizations of eroge and ero-LN. Textbooks on sex ed. Artbooks, worksafe and not. Recently, though, I managed to dig out THIS. God Hand Press is a series of fanzines on porn and related topics, which was being regularly published by a bunch of Japanese nerds at Comiket. The first issue came out in 1995, and the last one – in 2007, if my research can be believed. Quite the long run. I could only find three issues: #8, #10 and #13. That much was enough, however. I gave them a spin and… they’re fascinating. Get ready for a venture into before-unexplored territory: this will be my first blogpost on porn. Below, I’ll summarize the best bits from those three fanzines.
God Hand Press #8
・ Marcy Dog, a veteran lolidrawer and a friend of the GHP crew, drew the covers of all three issues.
・ GHP 8 begins with a bang: an article about stealth masturbation aboard trains, which contains some helpful tips and even a fictional (?) scenario of a day spent ninja-fapping. “Why would you do that?”, you ask? “When you see a cute girl on a train, you could bring the memory of her home and fap to that. Or you could just get your rocks off on the spot.” Before the internet, and easy access to all the porn in the world, people had some wild ideas, had they not?
・ Sadaijin, the number two among God Hand writers, shares his report on using a dakimakura with Onpu-chan printed on it. “Blindfolding her wasn’t a good idea. That way anime girls lose their most important part – the eyes.”
・ The boss, Udaijin, shares his 12-page long work about his hair fetish. His ideal woman has black, long, straight hair, pale skin, and is an ojou-sama type. His first love was Ranze-chan from Tokimeki Tonight. What is up with nerds prefering the natural look – no dyed hair, no makeup or jewelry? Somebody needs to investigate. Then, he suggests several comics representing his favorite thing in the world:
→ Kurokami ni Itazura by Yukimino Yukio, the author of Bakunyuudou. His discovery of a lifetime – a work revolving entirely around black-haired girls. A rather flawed work otherwise.
→ Innocent Age by Harazaki Takuma. It’s all about pretty hair. The comic, just like this entire article, make you think the boundary between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction is very unclear. It’s easier to notice in drawn porn, for some reason.
→ Hanjuku Tanpatsu Musume by Shinonome Tarou. Blond, short hair, but still a treat for hair fetishists.
→ Hitsuji no Uta by Toume Kei. A worksafe comic which later even got animated, but Udaijin considers it porn.
→ The cover of the C58 catalog. A pretty girl with long black hair. “Usable” – Udaijin
・ A (handwritten!) article by Shougakusei Hunter (wow) who decided that fapping is too convenient nowadays, so he performed a little experiment on himself: to make his life harder, he lived exclusively off non-Japanese porn for a week. He doesn’t speak English, so we might get some scientific data on whether linguistically understanding your fapmaterial influences the joy sparked by it. He watches some American porn flicks, the adaptation of Nabokov’s Lolita (he liked it very much) and… Cardcaptor Sakura episode 63, without audio. His first contact with CCS, if doujinshi don’t count. Summary of the experiment: “Even if I run out of elementary school girls to hunt down in Japan, I can just fly overseas“.
・ A comic showing Sadaijin’s ideal woman – a sex-loving loli. In the end, for men, sexually proactive women will always be the fetish to rule them all. If only they were less rare in real life.
・ The meat of the fanzine, and its main draw (at least initially) – doujinshi reviews. Written by Sadaijin. In drawn porn, Sadaijin actually prefers external cumshots (for the nice visual impact). He finds “x-rays” unacceptable. “I cannot fap to this!” If only he knew they’d be absolutely everywhere in the future…
・ Although we’re still far from the issue’s end, there’s a page where every God Hand Member says a line. Udaijin: “Hotgluing figures is like taking care of a potted plant“.
・ Chinpo Talk 8: a report from the crew meeing up at a restaurant. They’re talking about loli-themed fuuzoku (that exists?!) and a loli mangaka who got arrested for sex tourism. Can’t be sure who they’re talking about – he doesn’t get mentioned by name and googling returns multiple suspects.
・ The reader’s page. Includes proof that God Hand Press has female readers (which is baffling) and a postcard asking “Do you guys actually exist?” Fair enough, I can hardly believe it myself.
・ God Hand Kentei Shiken. An exam form you can fill in and send to the God Hand HQ to measure your powerlevel.
Well? Can you write “keiren” by hand?
God Hand Press #10
・ An article on crossdressing by Shishou, an expert in the field, who once got a man to screw him while he wore a Cardcaptor Sakura costume. “I hate women but like women’s clothes” – a rather baffling opinion. Shishou has always wanted to be a girl, and as it turns out later, he kind of succeeds. In case anyone’s interested, you can buy yourself a nice female school uniform for $130 at a burusera, a kind of sex shop infamous for selling used women’s clothing, although Shishou says they mostly sell brand-new stuff nowadays. Was there a crackdown of some sort or what?
・ Sadaijin gives several 3D eroge a spin. An interesting bit of text if you consider that 2D eroge absolutely dominate that business.
→ Requiem Hearts -Kaikin- – A work by Illusion, who you might associate with Koikatsu or VR Kanojo. A deluxe remake of their first game, a precarious attempt at trailblazing 3D porn games. It’s a pretty-much literal reiteration of the original, except in lavish 3D. Pretty for its times. “Why is the person responsible for this working on porn?” It has gameplay, which isn’t exactly obvious among eroge: when it’s not about poking pussies with your mouse pointer, there’s shooting. Though the gameplay is well done, the mix of sex and guns seems a bit bizarre.
→ DOLL – You don’t even need to install the game, just watch the video files straight off the CD. The “game” only plays those vids one after another anyway. Looks like PVC anime figures screwin’.
→ Torawareta Garasu no Kokoro – Very successful at making 3D models look like anime cuties. So much so that Sadaijin expected it to be a 2D game.
・ Yanagi A Go Go: an attempt at analyzing the entire bibliography of one doujin artist, Yanagi Hirohiko. Ah, admirable scientific research. All the precious numerical data was compiled into convenient tables, too. Yanagi-sensei is into CCS, Dead or Alive, and he makes his favorite characters into sex-crazed sluts, original character profiles be damned. Which is good, if you ask the GHP crew.
“I know numbers are beautiful. If they aren’t beautiful, nothing is.” – Paul Erdos
・ Kyoufu no Jikkenshitsu 2 (The Terrifying Laboratory) by Darth Vader (not that Vader). A mad scientist’s report from performing a deranged experiment. Inspired by a radio show by Ijuuin Hikaru, where the question of “have you ever stuck your dick in cola?” was asked, Darth Vader is going to stick his in all kinds of unconventional substances…
→ Lotion – The best lubricant there is, a reference point to compare the other substances used in this trial to. “Is this a valid substitute for normal lube?” is the question Vader’s asking at every stage of this experiment.
→ Oil – As in sunflower oil. Cheap and easily obtainable, but… Do I even have to explain? Dude, you’ll have to spend a long time getting it off of you. Anyway, it’s vastly inferior to lube. Vader directs your attention to the persistent smell you’d be radiating if you tried it, too.
→ Liquid glue – WHAT. “Dries too quickly, gets too sticky to use as lube. Might be good once in a while”. Excuse me, are you stupid? I expected him to be less lukewarm on the sad consequences of using hecking glue as lube.
・ Net Life by Ryoushi. It’s the early twothousands. The net wasn’t as popular back then as it is now, so God Hand comes to the rescue with a useful guide on internet porn. The writer divides all the ways you can get your rocks off before a computer into several fields.
→ All out, uncensored porn. Mainly in the form of pictures, not videos. Back then, it was available mainly on paid sites. Beware of dialers, though! (okay boomer)
→ Slightly lewd drawings. Centuries before Pixiv and the explosive growth of porn-drawing as a phenomenon, you’d have to hunt for artists’ private pages and pray for them to actually include usable drawings. Or manually type in URLs you’d find in your physically existing doujins. Having your site deleted by your hosting service or blocked by an ISP seems to have been a real threat in Japan 20 years ago. The doujin scene was where the real, mass-scale porn-drawing was happening at. Ryoushi gives you drawn porn hunters a helpful hint: try Tinami, an image search engine which has become an inferior Pixiv clone in the late 2000s.
→ A new, revolutionary idea haunts the net: ripping the valuable CGs from eroge and uploading them. No need to get through all that bothersome text. However, since it’s not only porn but also piracy, you’ll have to look for HCG sets yourself. Places offering them disappear fast. Rely on “サイト紹介サイト” to keep up. Beware, though: the wealth of HCG might make you addicted to the constant stream of new fapmaterial. Don’t go full cumbrain, it’s not healthy.
→ Erotic stories (and novels). The perfect source of fapfuel for the dial-up era – text loads up fast, unlike images (not to mention videos). Ryoushi and his contemporaries must have thought of this medium as the future of porn. It’s only text, so the risk of deletion is low. People would post their stories on private sites, but large ero-fiction aggregators existed as well. I could find some of the sites mentioned in the article, like THIS or THAT – they’re readable even today, but not updated anymore. The obscure world of written porn was a fascinating one – a subculture of people who devoted their entire time spent off work to producing content for free. A prometheian fan spirit unimaginable today, in our exploitative, neoliberal times when people can’t afford doing shit for no money.
・ A comic: B’s ideal woman. “There is value in flaunting your sexual preferences”. What a meigen. You know, life is all about expression. You only live once, and you’re not coming back. So express yourself.
・ “Chihou ni sundemita” by Sekuhara Ninja. Expedited to the boondocks by his company, this article’s author writes about his attempts at dealing with being an オナニーキチガイ while living in the province where there’s nothing to do. You could call it an experiment report. Another one – good, those are the best reads in GHP. He tried a mail order catalogue, which proved to be a bad idea. Nothing fappable in there. Then, he borrowed a magazine on photography from the local library and found some tasteful nudes inside. Better than nothing. At the end, he suggests making some homemade porn – erotic stories with cutouts from magazines for illustrations. Talk about desperate.
ora nakadashi da (concept)
・ Chotto Bikkuri Shita Eromanga by Udaijin. “When you read as much porn as I do, you encounter treasures”, says Udaijin. I stumbled upon God Hand, so I know, man. By “treasures” he means comics which appear bad at a glance, but transcend the concept of “bad” and enter surreal territory upon a closer look…
→ Fukujuu by ORIHIME
The piece of porn without which this article would not exist. Bought on a whim. The story, and the storyboarding is beyond weird. It’s not just bad. Sudden location changes without any warning or indication. Bizarre dialogue. A strangely evil protag who rapes people out of nowhere. The plot makes no sense. All of this makes a unique baffling impression. It feels unintentional, but with hints that suggest it’s a conscious prank.
→ Access! Tomato Hakusho by Hidekazu-kun
Everything, starting with the title is weird here. Udaijin directs your attention to two panels of the comic which look like a “find all the points where this picture is weird” kind of challenge.
→ Majokko Kishi series by Ayashige-dan
A Rayearth doujin and a decent work by a two-person circle. Except… the dialogue is terrible. Its potency is multiplied further by the lack of punctuation, which makes you read the awful dialogue in the most monotone of monotones in your head. Still, a publication with nostalgic value for the GHP crew – a symbol of a fun time in their lives and in the history of doujinshi.
→ AVIVA2 by Kichigai Teiou (what a name!)
Made by a person unrelated to Ayashige-dan, but nevertheless, a faithful copy of its literary awfulness. Is this an intentional tribute? Is it actually the work of the same person under two different names? It is a mystery.
・ Chinpo Talk 10. A handwritten record of a conversation about Kichou being blackmailed at school after getting caught wearing a skirt. And about Zappa Gou, who you might recognize as an active anime scenario writer. He’s had an impressively prolific career.
After getting this deep into GHP, I can’t avoid mentioning the distictive dialect which grew around the writers and their work. It happens to every nerdy periodical – it has its own memes and vocabulary. God Hand has “holy names” – every writer has a pseudonym taken from a profession – and a jokey way of writing stuffed with lewd puns to the point of ridiculousness.
God Hand Press #13
・ This issue begins with grace: with the lyrics to a lewd song written by the God Hand people that you’re supposed to sing to the melody of THIS. This magazine’s official theme song.
・ HOLE KING by Darth Vader and Udaijin – An extensive article on onaholes, with a competetive twist. It’ll teach you how to use your onahole (warm it up in hot water, do not use a microwave), tell you where to buy it (nowhere is cheaper than the net), and which to choose. The transparent ones look neat. Onahole reviews are easy to find now, but these impressions must have been invaluable in early twothousands. What follows is a duel between the two God Hands, where they compete in several onahole-related fields. Like the temperature trial in which Darth Vader pours the chilly, gelatinous contents of a hie-pita strip into his onahole (doesn’t do much), while Udaijin cooks his pocket pussy for a while before entering it, which ends in a first degree burn. Also, they talk about making an old onahole tighter using rubber bands. Why did I not think of that?!
・ Watashi no Rirekisho by Gijutsusha – One of the God Hand members weaves the tale of his Vita Sexualis. If you think “who would want to read some dude’s sexual biography?”… Whoa there, you might actually draw some valuable conclusions. Gijutsusha talks about him being a lolicon, about screwing his family vacuum cleaner, getting caught by his mom wondering why her son started cleaning his room so frequently, being in love with Sailor Saturn, and his parents (who he’s forced to live with) hating him for being a nerd.
・ It’s hard to believe, but ero anime reviews hadn’t appeared until that point in GHP. Therefore, Nitouhei, a futanari enthusiast, explains their merits and writes several titles up. Why ero anime? They’re easy to use and unlike eroge, shit actually moves in them. Reading? Yuck!
→ Yakin Byoutou
Started as an eroge adaptation, but continued even after it ran out of material. One of those big, popular series. At 10 episodes, it stands out in the world of ero anime, where one-two episodes in a series is the norm. It outgrew its source material and became a new thing of its own. Infamous for that one scat scene.
→ Bondage Game
A body modification-themed anime. Hard shit. Its creators went wild, mostly ignoring the source material, and struck gold. Makes one ask why an average ero anime is so hardcore. I guess normies are content with live action porn, leaving the animated stuff with all the niche fetish content.
→ Shintaisou (Kari)
Ah, the eternal classic. Oozes quality, in the visual and aural department – the voice actresses did their absolute best. Nitouhei notes that though the sex is rough, its story is easy on the viewer. No oppresive, evil stuff. A nice summary of this title’s appeal.
→ Bible Black
“The ultimate in animated porn”. Definitely a standard setter in ero anime when it comes to production values.
・ Master Hokkai presents some reviews of otokonoko-themed eroge.
Like most titles here, it’s a regular eroge that happens to have a crossdressing character in it, not a dedicated trap-ge. It’s the wife who’s the best character. The game’s character in charge of all the fans of genderbending inventions represents the most popular type – the masochist, bullied by his older sister out of a twisted kind of love.
→ Oni Isha
If you decide to go down the miko route, you’ll run into a divergence point letting you choose whether she should be a girl or a crossdressing boy. Her 小悪魔的 personality snags a lot of points with the reviewer.
A boring story about an otokonoko of the clingy puppy kind (to put it mildly), where the twist is that… she was a girl from the very beginning! YHBT.
→ Hitozuma Cosplay Kissa
A good eroge in general. You know how, just like the Childhood Friend, the Trap never wins? Though it’s the norm in Japanese romances for males, this one treats the crossdressing boy route with 100% seriousness. Good.
tfw the trap turns out to be a girl
・ Udaijin puts some Ashita no Nadja doujinshi to the test and concludes that they’re all the same. He divides them into four types and introduces the best representatives of each. Type A (“Yoru no Kouen”) consituted a whopping 50% of all the Nadja doujins he’s read. Included in the writeup are: a gekiga-style bit of Nadja porn (probably the most baffling combination ever), the lolitastic work by Saeki Tatsuya, and even a doujin game.
・ An interview with Ikuta Takanon – a female illustrator, a gigantic nerd, a furry. She talks to Sadaijin about her first masturbation (at four years old!), her trade school days in the elite Tokyo Designer Gakuin, and her job making eroge CGs. To wrap the conversation up, they had a three-round duel where they make each other watch weird porn and then decide whose was better.
・ Chinpo Talk 13 about Michael Jackson getting caught and Shishou wanting a sex change.
Well, that was God Hand Press. If I ever get my hands on more than those three issues, I’ll be sure to give them a read. If there is one general thought to draw from this experience, it’s this: the universal rule under which Japanese nerds operate is “the more beautiful it is, the more pleasure it brings to spoil it”. An idea which couldn’t be further from what I believe and find good, in porn or otherwise. They feel absolutely no qualms about doing evil shit to women. It makes me look at the West with its Christian legacy (its sex-hating legacy in particular), and then, at atheist Japan, and think that maybe wanting to throw religion out entirely isn’t as good an idea as I thought…